Deep questions for couples that go beyond small talk

You can know someone's coffee order, their manager's name and what they had for lunch every day this week, and still not know what they were afraid of at nine years old. Long-distance calls drift towards the first kind of knowledge because it's easy to report. The second kind needs a question that nobody asks by accident.

Why deep questions feel riskier than they are

Most people hold back from deeper questions because they expect them to land badly. In a series of experiments, mostly with pairs of strangers, Kardas, Kumar and Epley found that people expected conversations to be more awkward and less connecting than they turned out to be, and they overestimated the awkwardness more for deep conversations than for shallow ones. They also underestimated how interested the other person would be in what they had to say. In two further experiments, people given more accurate expectations of how others would respond chose deeper questions.

That was strangers. With a partner, the risk is lower still, and so is the excuse.

There's also a well-known study linking deeper talk to happiness, and it's worth knowing what held up. In 2010, Mehl and colleagues had 79 students wear recorders that sampled their day, and found that higher well-being went along with more substantive conversation and less small talk. A 2018 replication pooling 486 people confirmed the link with substantive conversation but found no reliable link with small talk. Both studies are correlational. The fair reading: meaningful conversations tend to go with being happier, and small talk isn't the villain. You don't need to ban "how was your day"; just don't let it be the whole call.

How to ask deep questions on a call

• One theme per call. Three or four questions from the same area go further than twenty from everywhere. You'll have time to follow the interesting answers.
• Both of you answer. Take turns going first. A deep question you only ask, and never answer, starts to feel like an assessment.
• Follow up before moving on. "What was that like?" or "Do you still feel that way?" does more than the next question on the list. In studies of live conversations, people who asked more follow-up questions were better liked.
• Anyone can pass. No reason needed, and no sulking about it.
• Pick the right time. Not five minutes before one of you has to sleep, and not straight after an argument. A weekend call with no hard stop is ideal.

How you react to a heavy answer matters more than the question. Truth or Dare for couples covers research on sharing feelings rather than just facts, and reacting warmly when your partner does; it applies here too.

Questions about childhood

1. What's a smell that takes you straight back to being a child?
2. Who was the adult you trusted most growing up, and why them?
3. What did your family argue about most, and what did you learn from watching it?
4. What was a rule in your house that you thought was normal until you visited friends?
5. What were you proud of at ten that you'd never mention now?
6. When did you first feel like a grown-up, and were you ready?
7. What did your parents get right that you'd copy?
8. What's one thing from your childhood you've never really talked about?

Questions about values

1. What's something you believe now that you didn't five years ago?
2. When did you last change your mind about something important, and what did it?
3. What do you think you owe your family, and what don't you?
4. Which of your friends do you admire most, and for what?
5. What's a rule you live by that you've never said out loud?
6. When is it right to lie?
7. What would you never do, even for a lot of money?
8. What do you want people to say about you when you're not in the room?

Questions about money

Keep these about feelings and habits, not about judging anyone's choices. A curious conversation about money on a calm evening is far easier than one held under pressure later.

1. What did money feel like in your house growing up: tight, comfortable, secret, a source of arguments?
2. What's the best thing you've ever spent money on?
3. What purchase do you still regret?
4. Are you a saver, a spender, or a bit of both depending on your mood?
5. How much money would feel like "enough" to you?
6. What would you happily pay more for, and what do you refuse to spend money on?
7. How do you feel about lending money to family or friends?
8. When we live in the same place, how do you picture us handling money: all shared, all separate, or something in between?

Questions about the future

1. Where do you picture yourself living at 50?
2. What's something you want to have done before you're 40?
3. What does a normal Tuesday look like in your ideal life?
4. How close do you want to live to your parents as they get older?
5. What would you do with a year off and enough money to take it?
6. Which part of growing older are you looking forward to?
7. What's one thing you'd like us to build together, apart from a home?
8. When the distance ends, what's the first ordinary thing you want us to do together?

Questions about fears

Go gently here, and use the pass rule freely.

1. What's something you worry about that you think other people would find silly?
2. What were you most afraid of as a child, and is any of it still there?
3. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
4. What's a fear you've already beaten?
5. What do you worry about at 2 a.m.?
6. What scares you about getting older?
7. Is there anything you're afraid I'll find out about you?
8. What helps most when you're anxious: being distracted, being listened to, or being left alone?

If an answer touches something that's weighing on your partner more than a conversation can hold, such as long-running anxiety, low mood or something from their past, listen first and don't try to fix it on the call. Later, it's fair to ask whether talking to a doctor or a qualified therapist might help.

Questions about the two of you

1. When did you first feel properly comfortable with me?
2. What's something I do that makes you feel looked after?
3. What's a small thing I could do that would make the distance easier for you?
4. Is there something you've wanted to tell me but haven't found the right moment for?
5. What do you think we're good at as a couple?
6. What's one thing we argue about that we could probably solve?
7. Which moment of ours would you show someone to explain what we're like?
8. What do you hope we never stop doing?

Before a deep-questions call

Copy checklist

• Pick one theme together, not a random mix
• Choose three or four questions each and send them in advance if either of you likes time to think
• Make sure neither of you has to leave or sleep within the hour
• Agree that either of you can pass, no reason needed
• Plan something light for afterwards: a show, a game or just saying good night

0 of 5 done

These are grouped by theme for people who already know each other. For a fixed sequence that escalates from easy to personal, built originally for strangers, try the 36 questions on a video call. If you want lighter questions with a scoreboard, Would You Rather for couples has a deep level that's a gentle way in.

Key takeaways

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• In experiments mostly with strangers, people expected deep conversations to be more awkward than they were and underestimated the other person's interest.
• Substantive conversation is linked to higher well-being in research that was partly replicated; the original claim that small talk goes with lower well-being didn't hold up.
• Pick one theme per call and ask three or four questions, not twenty.
• Both of you answer every question, follow up before moving on, and either of you can pass.
• Ask at a calm time with no hard stop, and plan something light for afterwards.